Heisā, pasaule!

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starting all from beginning…or parhaps I will come back…

         I dont know way I am here…perhaps cause cant sleep ..perhaps cause I dont be here for some pretty long time…perhaps I dont delete my space here even I quit writing cause I know somehow that one day I will come back…perhaps I want meet some old friens who still stay here and still write..perhaps…perhaps…

perhaps cause one of my life period is ower…and the next one will start tomorrow…

         so…way I stop writing…simply…one day I understand that there is nothing more to say….wery prosaic…

       well…t was pretty long time when I write something here last time…many things changed since that time…

I graduated academy..surprisingly I graduated it very good and professors want me to stay there to get master degree…I refuse…it is very interesting but it takes also much of my nerves and life…to be very good in something you must live in this…and to do something only to do its not in my style…I am player va bank…if i cant I stop…

….also this is related for my job…I had exclusive job…very exsotic..last 3 years I work in bank…I was the specialist for retrieving the credit debts…in other words I was dealing with persons who dont suceed to pay back money….it was pretty hard stuff… 3 years 8 hours dealing with people- see theyr anger,listen theyr problems and make the deals with them…mentaly pretty hard stuff…and at one moment I understand that I cant do this any more…

so…I quit…and tomorrow or to be  more correct after 11 hours I will go to France….we will see..may be forever…

I am scared and excited and curious …. the decision was taken … and I am ready to jump in unknown….and start all from zero…

as the people used to say..<<<nothing happens without reason>>>….we will see……..

I AM STILL ALIVE :)

http://update.videoegg.com/flash/proxy.swf?jsver=1.4

I will tray……..

………I can move beyond the fear factor. I don’t know where I’m going……… and I don’t care where I’ve been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it’s for me to find out. For, like Alice, I’m on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I’ll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture……… The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire…….. So………… despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course…………. I’ll never know until I try………and I will tray……

………….Rabbit, I trust you and I hope you will join me in this journey………. I know there is not much story with <happy end> but way this one cant be exception………. everything is possible and miracles can happen ……………… only you must believe …and I believe…………I hope you too………

…….

…………….my power today lies in denial or blocking. ‘Don’t even go there.’ I will not let myself be limited, paralyzed, held hostage or alienated by fear or fantasy that relies on exploitive emotional rescue, sacrifice of truth, or victimization. I will not be a prisoner to my own perceptions or expectations. Why did Cinderella stay? Do I want to be right or alone? Why have I placed a mental gag order on my own suffering or thinking? I am empowered to question or endure by virtue of my own self-worth because there is no honor in sacrificing my self to victimhood.
…………….i thik about that today……..

Impression collector….

 

Birthdays…

when I was a child I wait them …I wait for gifts and wait them cause I want grow up…I think when I will be adult I will be really happy and I can do everything I want…idealistic thinking ….but if we look back and in memories find that child you had been time ago and tray to recall what he/she thinks…I think almost all thought in similar way…

when I grow up I see that adolescence is not the paradise..that the happiness what seem so desirable is not so big as it was in my dreams and I have so much duties and responsibilities then if I managed create  some little place in all this  only for myself.. I feel really happy…and then one moment I reach the point that I don’t like birthdays cause I realise that each year I  become older and older…I want to stop the time but it is not possible…

as I remember myself I start hating my birthdays approximately when I was 16 years old…I want to stop time but i realize that it is not possible…each birthday was more or less depressive time for me…

I have 2 colleagues who are much older then I …they’re birthdays are before mine…talking with them I find out that they have the same depressive feeling according this event..so it is not only me who feels in such way… 

 the 7 of October was my birthday..so I will started to prepare to depression…

…different persons celebrated their birthdays different…some are celebrated it with family…the most traditional way is party with friends…

someone suggested me that i must make party and it will be great…may be it will be.. but when i think about this idea i find out that i don’t have so many close friends what i really like to party with..also when I look back all birthdays are equal…way I must make such party ..i have opportunity see all whom i want to see when I want to see them without party …or simply parting with them without reason…way i must act in this  way? ….

in my thoughts I go through all things and dreams and wishes what i ever had and for one or another reason postpone them  cause it was Utopian or seamed unreachable at that moment… what I really want?..and then somehow  really crazy idea comes in to my mind…Can i give myself birthday gift- a journey   to the place where I wish to go for years…way not? The decision was made……..

So………. I gone to Spain…may be sounds not normal but I celebrated my birthday in Barcelona..it was something different then birthdays I had before…so many fantastic things sights impressions…I feel free and happy I enjoy happiness of being…see so many beauty, meet Manfred (Bluebird) in real life,thanks him I see Sitges -piece of paradise-fantastic place near the see…first time in my life  I see the mountains..it was breath taking sight …I open myself up to world…I  realize that I spend years digging up myself trying to find out reasons of this or that ..but solution is so simple…all what I need is to open myself to world and simply enjoy..I let myself be and enjoy life in all colours and forms…this was the greatest birthday what i have since my childhood….I don’t regret not any moment of this trip…I was very very happy..and still I have this feeling….sometimes is worth to do something crazy to realize that it is worth to live…

 

P.S. Manfred, if you ever read this ..I want to say big THANK YOU for all what you do for us and for your gift -your book is wonderful , you gave us opportunity to see more beauty in your country..thank you from all my heart…

HOW TO INSTALL LOVE….

Customer Service (CS) Rep. : "Yes, Ma’am, how may I help you today?"

Customer: "Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?"

CS Rep. : "Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?"

Customer: "Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do first?" 

CS Rep. : "The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?"

Customer: "Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?"

CS Rep. : "What programs are running ma’am?"

Customer: "Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now."

CS Rep. : "No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?"

Customer: "I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?"

CS Rep. : "My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased."

Customer: "Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?"

Cs Rep. : "Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?"

Customer: "Yes I do. Is it completely installed?"

Cs Rep. : "Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades."

Customer: "Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?"

Cs Rep. : "What does the message say?"

Customer: "It says "ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS. What does that mean?"

Cs Rep. : "Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others."

Customer: "So what should I do?"

Cs Rep. : "Can you pull down the directory called"SELFACCEPTANCE"?"

Customer: "Yes, I have it."

Cs Rep. : " Excellent. You’re getting good at this."

Customer: "Thank you."

Cs Rep. : "You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely and permanently gone erased."

Customer: "Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?"

Cs Rep. : "Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go."

Customer: "Yes?"

Cs Rep. : "LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will share it with other people and then return some similarly sacred modules back to you."

Customer: "I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what’s your name?"

Cs Rep. : " You may call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Many people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the Manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch . . ."

~Author – Unknown ~